I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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