why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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