I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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