this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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