So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
