Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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