I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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