I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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