Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
