I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
