there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
