Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
