And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
