Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
