3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
