Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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