my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
