no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
