i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
