the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
