I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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