Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
