well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize