can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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