I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize