I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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