just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
