I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am one with the molecules
They have beer where we have blood.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
