It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
