That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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