I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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