Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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