Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
