He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
