I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
