Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
sarcasm needs its own font
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
