someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize