I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
