I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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