Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
