the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
