Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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