god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize