He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
