I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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