I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
