The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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