Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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