There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
