Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
