Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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