y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
