when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
