You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
