You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
